And so it did. He came over last night at my request, bringing me a double cheeseburger because I was so hungry. And then we sat down in the park downstairs and talked. Or rather, I talked and cried and he put his arm around me a squeezed me, cheered me up with our inside jokes and took what I said seriously.

We sat under a huge blanket of night blue and I spilt everything, my insecurities and how I feel. And lying there with his arm behind me, in his arms, I felt God and his presence there within us too. So comfortable.

But I know that I've got to face those demons still. Face my issue, and get healed. Calling on a reflective quiet trip with Freda to East Coast, where we sit and face our issues and reflect without the need to discuss or share. Just the two of us, with ourselves in our separate worlds, but doing it together. Don't understand? Thats why we're best friends after our other halves- because we do.

Hong Kong is lovely, weather is nice and cold, and the Disneyland hotel is amazing. I love being here, and I'm thankful for this holiday. With my family. With my aunt and uncle from New Zealand. The people I grew up with. I have yet to see Disneyland itself, but I'm looking forward to it. God planned this break. And I'm grateful.

Its a long and painful process, how I am dealing with my jealousy and possessiveness. Its not so much eating my relationship up as it is me, but I don't know if anyone but God can fully understand how its like. I see it now manifesting itself in my relationship and a talk with Raphael the other day made me decide that I've got to deal with the root of it.

I talked to my dad and he said that I must get down to the basic untrue belief about myself that makes me feel this way. He said knowing that I am jealous and possessive and trying not to be is good, and will help me when dealing with my present circumstances, but if I do not go back in time to the experience/memory that causes me to think whatever way about myself that triggers such deep possessiveness, it'll just come back in another situation.

I've always known I have had a problem with this. Over the years, so many hurts and wounds that I've collected have only made it worse. But are these part of me? Are they part of who I am? Even at a young age, it showed. Why?

I was in the kitchen in my house in Camilla Grove, Auckland, with mum and we were happily baking. I think I was about 4. Daddy comes home from work and cheerfully says hello and hugs my mum from behind.

Now, I used to say I don't know why I made myself cry at that moment, but now I do. Because I was jealous and I wanted to be hugged too.

Dad said when I was young and slept with my mom and dad, if dad hugged mom, I would squeeze myself in between them. I was the oldest child, then, the first and the one who got the most love, I feel.

It has appeared over so many years. There was me dealing with my jealousy with Freda last year, when she met Eugene and the dynamics of our friendship changed. There was also when Jeremy liked her as well. Freda was just _________ about it. No words can describe the love she returned to me even though I was practically a basket case.

Before that, was Darren. We had something going for awhile before he fell for my prettier friend, Nicole. It was a hard hit for me.

If I could take a stab at why I'm like this, I could simply reason its because I am scared of being abandoned because someone can't accept me. Like with Raphael, I'm always somehow worried that hes going to find a better girl somewhere, prettier, less complicated, etc.

But where did this all start? When I started putting on weight? But then, what about my memories when I was young? Or was that just showing how much love I need? My name, Amanda, after all means, "deserves to be loved". But does that mean "loves to be loved?". I am one such person who loves to be loved, and loves to love. I love hugs, cuddles, words of affirmation. Of course, most of all, I love hugs. Short hugs, side hugs, long warm hugs, tight hugs, all sorts of hugs.

And when will I stop feeling like an emotional basket case?

Maybe when I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow, I'll have some time away from everyone and everything except my family and do some reflecting. And then God will show me what went wrong where and heal me.

For now, I just need hugs. Especially from you. I need a long hug and you to hold me because I'm scared you do not understand how I feel, or it matters little to you.