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Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • And the trip started out great.

    And so it did. He came over last night at my request, bringing me a double cheeseburger because I was so hungry. And then we sat down in the park downstairs and talked. Or rather, I talked and cried and he put his arm around me a squeezed me, cheered me up with our inside jokes and took what I said seriously.

    We sat under a huge blanket of night blue and I spilt everything, my insecurities and how I feel. And lying there with his arm behind me, in his arms, I felt God and his presence there within us too. So comfortable.

    But I know that I've got to face those demons still. Face my issue, and get healed. Calling on a reflective quiet trip with Freda to East Coast, where we sit and face our issues and reflect without the need to discuss or share. Just the two of us, with ourselves in our separate worlds, but doing it together. Don't understand? Thats why we're best friends after our other halves- because we do.

    Hong Kong is lovely, weather is nice and cold, and the Disneyland hotel is amazing. I love being here, and I'm thankful for this holiday. With my family. With my aunt and uncle from New Zealand. The people I grew up with. I have yet to see Disneyland itself, but I'm looking forward to it. God planned this break. And I'm grateful.

Monday, 30 November 2009


  •  
    Sometimes I just don't understand why I can't just let it go. Why I feel the way I do. Maybe its good I haven't gotten to talk it over with many people. Haven't gotten the chance to blow it up, means.

    Except inside of me.

    If you love someone, why is it so hard for me to just let him have fun?

    He asked me the other night "What do you have to lose?"
    ... "You?"... was what I could have said.

    It is this emotion swelling in my chest that makes me want to cry all the time. I don't know where it comes from. Oh well. I know I am just hurt tonight that it is the night before my trip and he wants to spend time with his friends.
    He asked why I sound so formal. He said when he needed his space he didn't mean we had to be like strangers. But I can't help it. Sometimes thats what I feel like I am, a stranger.

Saturday, 28 November 2009

  • "Possesiveness comes when there is fear"

    Its a long and painful process, how I am dealing with my jealousy and possessiveness. Its not so much eating my relationship up as it is me, but I don't know if anyone but God can fully understand how its like. I see it now manifesting itself in my relationship and a talk with Raphael the other day made me decide that I've got to deal with the root of it.

    I talked to my dad and he said that I must get down to the basic untrue belief about myself that makes me feel this way. He said knowing that I am jealous and possessive and trying not to be is good, and will help me when dealing with my present circumstances, but if I do not go back in time to the experience/memory that causes me to think whatever way about myself that triggers such deep possessiveness, it'll just come back in another situation.

    I've always known I have had a problem with this. Over the years, so many hurts and wounds that I've collected have only made it worse. But are these part of me? Are they part of who I am? Even at a young age, it showed. Why?

    I was in the kitchen in my house in Camilla Grove, Auckland, with mum and we were happily baking. I think I was about 4. Daddy comes home from work and cheerfully says hello and hugs my mum from behind.

    Now, I used to say I don't know why I made myself cry at that moment, but now I do. Because I was jealous and I wanted to be hugged too.

    Dad said when I was young and slept with my mom and dad, if dad hugged mom, I would squeeze myself in between them. I was the oldest child, then, the first and the one who got the most love, I feel.

    It has appeared over so many years. There was me dealing with my jealousy with Freda last year, when she met Eugene and the dynamics of our friendship changed. There was also when Jeremy liked her as well. Freda was just _________ about it. No words can describe the love she returned to me even though I was practically a basket case.

    Before that, was Darren. We had something going for awhile before he fell for my prettier friend, Nicole. It was a hard hit for me.

    If I could take a stab at why I'm like this, I could simply reason its because I am scared of being abandoned because someone can't accept me. Like with Raphael, I'm always somehow worried that hes going to find a better girl somewhere, prettier, less complicated, etc.

    But where did this all start? When I started putting on weight? But then, what about my memories when I was young? Or was that just showing how much love I need? My name, Amanda, after all means, "deserves to be loved". But does that mean "loves to be loved?". I am one such person who loves to be loved, and loves to love. I love hugs, cuddles, words of affirmation. Of course, most of all, I love hugs. Short hugs, side hugs, long warm hugs, tight hugs, all sorts of hugs.

    And when will I stop feeling like an emotional basket case?

    Maybe when I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow, I'll have some time away from everyone and everything except my family and do some reflecting. And then God will show me what went wrong where and heal me.

    For now, I just need hugs. Especially from you. I need a long hug and you to hold me because I'm scared you do not understand how I feel, or it matters little to you.

  • Secrets

    #1: I know I'm not my illness but some days it seems so overwhelmingly difficult to cope that I put on the label  & wear it like a coat

    Someone remarked I was loud today and very different from Raphael. And I felt everything inside me just crumble.

    #2: If I died today, would there be anything you wish you had said to me?

    Because I know there are things I want to say to you.

    #
    3: I had the fleeting impulse to emulate her in my dressing because you said you liked her accessories.

    I hate insecurity and I took it off for a while but I wore it again.

    #4: I hate telling you how miserable I am battling my demons because don't want to sound like a basket case, but its your love and understanding that will make the most difference.

    It comes around so often, I wish you could see how hard I'm battling jealousy and insecurity and tell me you're proud of me.

    #5: I am secretly so possessive that it is eating me up inside.



Sunday, 22 November 2009

  • (Disturbed)ia.


    Whenever I listen to Hayley's cover of this song, I feel all my emotions just gather and settle down. I don't know what it is, the combination of her voice and these lyrics that just makes me think of all the things I want to do- cast off these labels and do it. All those secret dreams, pushed down under, feel like they're pushing their way to my fingertips and wanting to burst out of me.
     
    I miss jamming and singing and just getting in sync with musicians. Need to jam soon and get a-writing songs.

    Wow, I don't know, that video just summed up everything I want to write about. So many conflicting emotions and the need to calm down. Sorting thigns out with D, losing weight and coping with missing Raphael.
    Haven't seen him since Friday and I won't get to really because he's working all throughout the week onto the weekend, and then the weekdays again and his finishing hours are never certain and he's been working OT. I guess for someone whom I see almost every day or every (max)3 days, its hard. Sort of reminds me of last year where we didn't see each other for one month, save for a few hours after 2 weeks exactly.

    I realise how much I depend on him for guidance and how much I miss him. We don't even get to talk on the phone at night and he's sometimes too busy to text, so its quite hard. I miss him a lot. I guess its hard also because I don't have anything to do right now, the job only calls me when they need me, so I guess they don't so much.

    This week shall be dedicated to meeting up with people I haven't gotten a chance to for years, months, a while?

    And musicalllllllly.

    And I'm really reconnecting with God, really. And its just awesome.

mandyman27

  • Visit mandyman27's Xanga Site
    • Name: Amanda Grace Leo
    • Birthday: 7/27/1992
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/2/2009

About Me

  • I'm just me here, I suppose. I really try to live for God and for others. I'm inspired, called and empowered. I can rant on, make you laugh or annoy you. So read on to find out more about my mysterious mystery.

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